


Youth and Whiskey

by selfdestructivenightmare



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sadness, Self Harm, attempted suicuide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-06-24
Packaged: 2017-12-16 00:40:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/855805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfdestructivenightmare/pseuds/selfdestructivenightmare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall loves Louis, Louis loves Niall both believe the other hates them. Louis believes everything the press say about him and this becomes disastrous, can Louis be saved?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Youth and Whiskey

Smile, Louis. Just smile. That was what I said to myself everyday. I couldn't let the boys, or the fans, see me for what I truly am. I'm broken and worthless, and I cover it up with jokes, smiles and laughter.

"Lou?" Eleanor broke me from my thoughts, she understood some of how I felt, she was a good friend.

"Yes, babe?" I smiled widely at her.

"You spaced out for a bit there, we're back at the hotel," She reached over to squeeze my hand gently. "You ready?"

"Always." She let go of my hand and exited the car. I took a deep breath and Paul opened the car door and the shrill screaming of hundreds of teenage girls reached my ears. Eleanor was waiting for me next to my door. I took her hand, looking around at everyone.

WE LOVE LARRY STYLINSON! Was written on a particularly bright sign, held by four girls, all smiling widely and screamed as I waved at them. If only they knew the truth, in a way I was glad of the popular bromance between Harry and I as it took away the true object of my affection. The fans weren't oblivious, and for that I was grateful they acknowledged my attraction for my younger band mate and his attraction to me. They could tell that something had gone on between us and it had, it was lust not love and we both needed to get it out of our systems. We had gone no further than a very heated kiss and a quick blowjob to expel that from our minds.

I took her hand and the security guard ushered us into the hotel lobby. I let the smile fall from my face again.

"I'm just going to go and put my stuff down and then I think Dani and I are going to get coffee. Is that alright, babe?" she smiled at me.

"Sure, I'm probably going to go up and lie down anyway maybe watch a movie or something." I said, that was a lie but El didn't challenge me, she never did.

"Alright but I'll see you later before the gig?" she started to walk towards the girls shared room, walking backwards to talk to me.

"Sure." I answered in one word. She waved, then nodded and walked away. Finally silence. I was alone with my thoughts.

When I reached my door, I really hoped Harry wasn't back yet. I just wanted to be alone the familiar itch was back and I needed relief. The urge had been building all day. I dropped my bag onto the floor with all the rest of my stuff, not really caring at all. The itch had almost become unbearable, I had to do it.

I walked into the bathroom and tore off my jumper exposing the slashes on my biceps and wrists. I found the box, my box, where I kept my razor, bandages and plasters, tissues etc. I couldn't be bothered to be careful today. I let the events of what happened today flood back into my mind. The fans chasing me and Eleanor around the 'mall', god I hated how persistent the American fans were, we did stop to talk to a few lucky girls. Their words stung me, useless, worthless, can't sing, ugly… I placed the razor to my wrist and I lost myself, the red blood so beautiful against the golden brown of my wrist. Nothing mattered to me but the numb feeling, the red drops sliding down my skin.

The pain took away everything else, I breathed for it now, and I lived for this feeling. A flash of blonde against my eyelids, made me press the blade deeper than I ever had before Niall will never love you… pathetic, useless, ugly my subconscious mocked me. I hissed and tears fell from my crystal eyes, I moved the blade to my other arm, cutting a clear line across my vein. Worthless, ugly, pathetic, useless, arsehole. The words echoed across my mind as I slashed more and more onto my arm, beautiful. The edges of my vision blurred, I should've stopped but I couldn't. The blade began to feel heavier and heavier. Black spots appeared.

A door banged open, but I could hardly move, no time but I couldn't care.

"Louis?" Liam and Harry called. "Louis for god's sake where are you?" Liam was frantic I could tell.

"Come on, man!" Harry said. The bathroom door opened, I could hardly lift my head to see which one had found me.

"SHIT!" it was Harry. "Liam, come quick, he's here. Call an ambulance…NOW!" I had never heard him speak that fast before. "Lou, give me the blade." I felt a big hand on mine gently tugging, pulling my salvation from me. "Come on, Lou, it's ok… I've got you." I was too weak to protest or try and pull away.

Harry's voice was distant as he carried on to talk to me. He pulled me to my feet, I swayed, dangerously.  
"Come on, Lou. Let's get you some water." He walked away back into the bedroom. I couldn't move, my eyes shut and I fell, my head crashed against the bath. Wetness through my hair, blood pooling around my head… beautiful. The last thing I heard was Liam shouting.

"Louis." There was only blackness.

The constant darkness was stifling, I didn't like it; I was trapped with my thoughts. They were taunting me. Alone with my memories… All the people I disappointed through my life, the people I would miss. My mum, my sisters, the boys… Niall especially Niall. Niall wouldn't look at me, not twice because I wasn't good enough. You see, Niall doesn't like me very much. Sure in front of the camera's we're great... but behind the scenes it's as if I don't exist. He is like a ball of energy and laughter and I'm… I'm nothing. In the X Factor when I hurt my foot, I let the boys down, I seem to do that a lot. Everyone thinks that One Direction would be better off without me… I guess they're right.

I wanted to leave when I first started to get hate messages on twitter but Harry talked me out of it. I relapsed back into self harm. I first started when I was fourteen and there was a group of people that bullied me daily because they found out I was pansexual. I didn't understand why I was different, I didn't understand why they said I was 'wrong' or 'sick' as they told me. I fell for a person not really worrying about the gender, apparently that was bad. I turned to singing and the blade to try and escape my life.

The first time I took a blade to my skin I was terrified, I couldn't believe I had just done... that but I had almost convinced my self that it was fine because I'd only done it once… it was fine. Little did I know that that one cut could have such a profound effect on my life. It was never just once and every time something in my life went to shit, the razor became my best friend.

I learnt that it was better to keep my mouth shut and take the emotional slander. It wouldn't be long until I was home, locked away to take away the pain. Doncaster was a pretty tolerant town, or so I thought, and I was made into an outcast. The only person that stayed with me was Stan, he was a true friend and he even went so far as standing up for me. My drama teacher, Mr Blake, was also always there. He understood why I didn't want to go to the police, but to be honest what would the police really do?

Mr Blake ended up giving me the part of Danny in Grease and things started to look up. People started to talk to me like a person again, rather than some sub-human. I even got a girlfriend, Hannah, the boys all accepted me because I was dating a girl like normal but others were still convinced that Stan and I were fucking. It didn't matter how good my life was getting I couldn't just give up the cutting, I couldn't.

Then the X Factor happened and I convinced myself that everything would get better again. When I got through was the best feeling ever, I can't even describe how good the feeling was. Then the rejection came and god did that hurt, the itch that had been virtually non-existent was back. That was where I first caught sight of the gorgeous blonde Irishman. I had heard him of course I had… he was loud, and his voice was amazing.

He stood next to me when we were called back in and I couldn't believe that we had a lifeline the itch was there but it was dulled to a slow burn. The change came about in X Factor when I didn't cut weeks on end, instead I snapped a rubber band against my wrist repeatedly. I cut again last year, when we first started out and the fans didn't like me, that's when I relapsed and I haven't been able to stop. I know I should've got help but it's too late now.

I could faintly hear people talking a shrill beep next to my head, I couldn't breath, my body was heavy. My eyes shot open, white light instantly blinding me… I couldn't breath, I panicked and I was dead to the world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by my best friend HB

Niall POV

I hated him… I truly, truly hated him. How could he do this to me?! Didn't he even stop to think how this would make me feel… I mean us feel.  
Why would he care about how I feel? He ignored me when we weren't in interviews. We would play and laugh and hug and be silly when there were camera's around. As soon as they were gone, so was he. I meant nothing to him.

He could have at least thought about how Harry would have felt. I know that they like each other. There had been more than once when I had seen them making out at a back of a club. I pretended it didn't sting and I pretended it didn't break my heart but sometimes you just can't pretend.

At least Harry made him happy, and that's all I wanted for Louis. He could hate me all he wanted, he could be in love with Harry Styles all he wanted as long as he was happy.  
But he wasn't happy. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting in the hospital waiting room with Liam's arm around me and tears streaming down my cheeks at an ungodly rate.  
It was the fans fault and I knew that. They ripped at him, but they ripped at all of us. I received hate every day. I just didn't listen to the smelly heads and all the poopoo that they sent me and Louis should be the same. They told him he was ugly and that he couldn't sing. They told him he shouldn't be in the band. But they could not be more wrong. Louis was unique. Louis was perfect. Louis was the most sensitive sincere boy in the world. I tried to tell him that during interviews as that was the only chance I ever had to explain.

As you have probably guessed by now, I'm in love with Louis Tomlinson. I don't hide it very well. I don't even try too. I would love for him to know how much I care for him. But what's the point in telling him when it'll lead to my rejection? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm a bad guy. I know that I would be the best boyfriend that Louis could ever have. But he didn't like me, so what's the point?

I wanted to see him so bad. I wanted to tell him everything would be ok, to hold him and tell him I love him… but I knew I wouldn't. He wouldn't want to hear it. He hates me. He ignores me. It would probably only frustrate him if I declared my love for him.  
I didn't like that I loved him. I didn't like that I was in love with someone I could never have. It would have been easier to be straight. But I wasn't. I had told the guys that from straight on. They had always known I was gay. You couldn't spend 2 weeks with 5 boys in a small summer house and not talk about these things.  
They were all fine with it, like we were all fine about Louis being pan. The others all claimed to be completely straight, obviously that turned out to be a lie when I saw Harry and Louis in that club.

I had a pretty easy life growing up. My friends were supportive when I came out at 16 and they were even more supportive when I decided to go on the x factor. I grew up in a pretty small town in Mullingar in Ireland. I loved it there. It is the one place in the entire world where I truly felt I belonged.

Sure I belonged in One Direction. I had 3 best friends here. Liam and I were inseparable and I loved that boy to pieces. Maybe life would have been easier if I fell in love with him.  
Liam knew about my love for Louis. One time I just couldn't pretend that it didn't hurt when I found him making out with Eleanor in a club. I stormed out, tears streaming down my face. Liam noticed me instantly and ran after me, wrapping me up in his arms and letting me cry into his shoulder. He understood and didn't judge. Nor did he ever tell Louis. He asks me about it sometimes to show he still cares. Asks why we're so distant and every time I reply with the same answer.

"Because Louis hates me… that's why he always ignores me." Then I change the subject before he could try to convince me otherwise.  
I had been in love with Louis for a very long time. We were in line for the X Factor. We had just been called back and were about to be put into a group. I stood next to him on the stage and my breath literally hitched when I first saw his beautiful face. His perfect blue eyes, framed by dark caramel coloured hair and a grey beanie rested on his head.  
We all sat in the waiting room. Nobody else was crying. Only me… I felt weak, but the guy I loved was in there, he could be dying and only Liam understood.  
A doctor walked out of the room and I shot out of my seat.  
"He's stable." She said and we all sighed with relief. "You may go in and see him. He's awake but he may be a little delirious. You might only want to go in one at a time. Who wants to go first?"

We all looked around each other. Liam convinced everyone to let me go first and I wondered into the room wiping my tears to try and not look like I had been crying.  
His head shot to look at me and looked away instantly. I then did two things that I promised myself I would never do. Firstly, I let tears fall down my cheeks. I cried in front of the boy I was in love with. The second, I walked over to Louis and enveloped him into a hug. I hugged Louis without cameras being around. I actually showed him some display of affection.  
I expected him to reject it completely. I expected him to push me off him and tell me to get out. That he didn't want to hug me. That he didn't want me around. That he hated me. Instead, his arms wrapped back around me… He hugged me so tight and pulled me incredibly close. He buried his head into my neck and I felt his tears roll onto my shoulder.

We stayed like that for a while. Our first hug in over a year not in front of the cameras… I wanted to cherish it for as long as possible because I knew it would soon be over. He began to cry incredibly loudly. He was muttering something that I couldn't comprehend.  
"Why?" I asked. It was the only word I could choke out.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry ok!" He carried on crying and I carried on holding him. I never wanted to let go. This felt so right to me, so perfect. I wanted to sit like this forever… well, maybe with Louis not crying, happy and my boyfriend, "I can't tell you why, Ni…"  
My breath hitched and more tears rolled down my cheeks. I hoped he didn't notice. He hadn't called me Ni since the x factor tour. It was his nickname for me and used to get angry whenever anyone else used it.

I didn't realise how much I missed it. I held him even tighter.  
We eventually parted and stopped crying and he lay back down on the bed but his hand found mine and I gripped it tight. I sat on the side of his bed and looked down at the frail looking boy. He was shirtless as the duvet had slid down to reveal his toned chest.  
There were burn marks on his chest where they must have had to use the paddles to restart his heart. I can't believe it. Louis… the most perfect, beautiful boy in the world had given up on himself and nearly killed himself. I could have started crying all over again but I needed to stay strong. Louis was looking up at me and I couldn't afford to cry in front of him again.

"Please tell me, Lou…" I muttered looking into his deep blue eyes. They looked so sad… so lifeless… It broke my heart.  
"You don't understand, Ni. I cannot tell you. I will never be able to tell you. I can't tell anyone. Just please don't pester me." He begged. I could see in his eyes that he meant it so I stopped.  
"Ok… I won't pry. I understand that of all people you would not want to tell me. But can you promise me, not for me, I know that'll mean nothing to you, but at least for Harry and for Eleanor. I know it's hard… I know it's not something that you can just stop overnight. But please… Just try to stop. You mean a lot to a lot of people. Don't believe what some people say about you Lou… you are an amazing person. Don't give up on yourself… I'll never give up on you."

I couldn't look him in the eye throughout my whole speech. I didn't want to see his reaction. Honestly I was hoping he was too delirious to remember. Something told me he wasn't. But something also told me that when I left nothing will have changed between us. He will pretend nothing ever happened, and he'll go back to ignoring me.  
I squeezed his hand and went to walk out of the room.

"I promise." I heard a croak behind me. I turned around to see him looking at me sadly. "I promise." He repeated. I nodded and walked out of the room to send the next person into see him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote by me... each chapter is either written by me or HB

Louis POV

As soon as Niall's hand left mine I felt empty, once more.

"I promise…" I said sadly, almost desperately, it was an empty promise, I couldn't just… stop. It was going to be hard, really hard, to hide it now. Management would probably insist that I needed help… which I don't! I don't need help, I was fine. My head had begun to pound and my chest felt like it was on fire. The heart monitor bleeped, my heart rate picking up quite quickly. God, I hurt all over. The room began to spin, black spots dancing across my vision.

"Lou?" I heard Liam ask, worry evident in his voice. I couldn't answer him. "LOU?" he shouted, my eyes fluttered shut. The light was way too bright in here. The pain suddenly became unbearable and everything went black.

\--  
3rd person

Pandemonium ensued. Louis slumped back into the pillows, the heart monitor flat lining.

"Oh, god! NO… Doctor? Anybody?" Liam shouted. He was roughly pushed from the room as people poured into the room, a defibrillator being wheeled in. Louis bed was pushed flat as an oxygen mask was placed on his face. Doctor Scott grabbed the paddles, the patient was still flat lining and she'd be damned if she lost him!

"Charging to 260," the wurring of the machine sounded. "CLEAR." She shouted, everyone moved away from the metal. She placed them on to the young man's chest, his back arching as the shock was sent out. The doctors and nurses waited for half a second to see if it had worked… it hadn't, Lindsey Scott's patient was still technically dead. "Again!" she ordered. "Charge to 360, CLEAR!" his back arched once more.

"We've got rhythm."

"Good, come on, let's get him to ICU. He's not quite stabilized yet, page me straight away if even the slightest thing goes wrong or any cause for concern. I'm going to go and talk to the boys, you know, to explain the situation." She opened the door for the nurses to wheel the unconscious boy out. "When you get to the unit, administer a breathing tube, we need his body to fully recover also a mild sedative so that he stays under, alright?"

The nurses nodded and set off down the corridor. Liam Payne was sitting just outside the door. He immediately jumped from the floor when he saw the doctor, fresh tear tracks down his face.

"Where are they taking him?" he croaked.

"ICU, your friend needs to recover, he was not strong enough… we should not have administrated the steroids to make him wake up. He was indeed dead for approximately 3 minutes before we got a rhythm." Liam slumped to the floor, muttering god! "Your friend is not out of the danger zone yet, however, we should be able to stabilize him. We have got him in a medicated coma, when we stop giving him the drugs he will wake up when he is ready… You should go, sit in the private family room with the rest of the boys. I will inform you of any change."

Liam nodded.

"Is there anything else?" Liam asked quietly, as he got up from the floor. Doctor Scott smiled warmly at the boy, her green eyes pitying.

"He had quite a bad hit to the head; he lost a lot of blood. He is going to be out for awhile. My advice would to be to go home and get some rest but I'm pretty certain that that is out of the question… so instead I say that you should explain what happened to the rest of the boys while I go and check on Mr Tomlinson." Her hand rubbed Liam's shoulder sympathetically and she walked in the direction of Intensive care.

Liam's stomach turned unpleasantly, he himself had been in ICU and it wasn't good… people died in intensive care. He shook his head and walked back to the rest of the boys.

Doctor Scott was having a bad day. She had already lost one patient, a cancer patient, and she did not want to lose another. Louis Tomlinson was confusing, he seemed perfectly fine, his vitals were normal, his heart rate steady but he was all but ok. She was making her way around the wards when her pager beeped.

Needed in ICU… Room 169

"Sorry, Mrs Becker, I'm needed in ICU, when I'm done there I'll be back. Alright?" she left the room and jogged towards intensive care, passing the room where 4/5ths of One Direction were currently sitting. The blinds flickered and she saw curious emerald eyes and floppy brown hair peering out at her but she hardly gave them a second look as she ran down the hospital corridors. Damn these heels! Louis room was full of people.

"What on earth is going on here?" she looked around the room, her eyes like a storm.

"Um… he flat lined and, and I panicked, I'm sorry Doctor Scott…" she turned towards the female who had spoken; she was young, blonde, pretty with wide chocolate button eyes.

"Name?" Scott said coolly.

"Sarah, Sarah Cadjworth."

"Well, Nurse Cadjworth, I want you out of this room and into your superiors' office, if you don't know how to act when a patient is dying… well… you shouldn't work in a hospital. Now. Everyone out! Nurse Shelly you will stay and assist me, the rest of you go!" The room slowly emptied.

"Are you ok, Lindsey?" Scott looked up into the face of the young male nurse.

"Of course, George… I just need to check on the patient. I need you to go down to the private waiting area and tell the boys in there about what has happened and the plan of action. Then can you bring me a cup of coffee from the canteen?" He nodded and exited the room. Lindsey walked over to the bed; she looked down into the pale face of the boy lying there. Emotionless and pale… she remembered how happy and full of life he was on X Factor and in the video diaries. Her daughter would probably never forgive her if Louis were to die.

George Shelley gulped as he entered the room. The blonde was immediately on his feet.

"What's happening? What's wrong with Lou?" his Irish accent was wild and husky.

"Coffee?" he offered out the cups, which they all gratefully took. "You may want to sit down…" He waited until they were all seated. "Well, your friend has severe concussion and blood loss. We have given him a blood transfusion and that seems to be working, the blow to the head has given us some complications. We can't tell if any amnesia or any other problems that may very well arise. We won't know until he wakes up. Also has anyone noticed how much your friend eats and drinks in a day?"

"Lou eats… drinks as much as the rest of us… doesn't he?" Harry asked, uncertain.

"I'm not so sure…" Matthew countered.

\--

Louis POV

I was cold and it was dark. I was calling but nobody answered me.

"HELP! NIALL… NIALL?" where was he? He wouldn't ignore me when I called… would he? Of course he would. Useless, worthless, ugly… great the voices were back. Taunting him. "Harry? Zayn? Liam? Niall? ANYONE!"

I was cold, alone and scared. Where was everyone? Where was I? The faint beeping was the only thing keeping me sane and a low hum of something nearby, something I could hear but not get close to. I was trapped, something holding me down. I used to welcome the darkness as a friend but now it drowned me… made it hard for me to breathe. I wanted Niall; I needed him to save me. Why wouldn't he come?

Useless, ugly, worthless…


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HB wrote this one :)

Chapter 4

Niall's POV

He had flat lined again. Again! WHY DID HE DO THIS? WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME? WHY COULDN'T HE JUST LOVE ME? THEN NONE OF THIS WOULD EVER HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED! I could have saved him. I could make him happy… I know I could have made him happy. I would treat him better than Eleanor ever would. Eleanor didn't love him... Not as much as I did anyway. She didn't like any of us. She was a stuck up snobby bitch. She only used Louis because he was rich and famous, and could buy her all the shoes that she could want.

I knew I would be better to him than her. I would hold him when the fans were mean to him and talk to him and make him feel better and make him feel loved, rather than just use her solution and jump into bed with him hoping sex would take away the pain.

Look where she got him. In a hospital bed… IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL BED! He could die any moment because she didn't love him enough to actually care.

The doctor's had taken him to ICU. None of us were allowed to go and see him. He was too unstable. It wasn't fair. We all needed to see him but only Liam and I were able to… and only I was able to have a conversation with him. I saw how much that had hurt Harry. I felt bad for not letting him go first. Him and Louis were best friends… maybe more…

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take being in love with someone who hated me. I quickly got out of my seat and ran out of the door not letting anyone's shouts call me back. Nobody needed me here. Zayn and Liam were there to comfort Harry. I needed to go out and have some fun. Something to take my mind off of the crap that was going on in here.

I ran to the nearest club I could find. It wasn't too far away from the hospital. I would have a few drinks, take my mind of things and then go back. Nothing too serious, just a bit of stress relief… I couldn't just sit in there and think about the love of my life dying.

I walked up to the bar and ordered a whiskey. I preferred beer, and I'd normally drink beer but this was a whole lot fucking stronger. I pulled out my ID and showed it to the barman and he handed me the drink ordered.

I downed it in one and ordered another, downing it straight away again, ignoring the burning sensation in my throat. The glass and the burning was all I had. It was all I felt right now.

A girl came over to sit near me. She kept glancing over at me, but I ignored her watching the football on the screen over the bar. She finally slid over to the seat next to me.

"Hey," She whispered seductively. "I'm Robyn." She introduced.

"Niall…" I replied bluntly, not really wanting this conversation. I knew she was only here to flirt and get a quick shag. Two problems with her theory there, 1) I was gay, and 2) I was in love with who should be one of my best friends. A guy who hates me…

Then it clicked. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe I did need a quick shag in the back of a club. Whether it was a girl or a boy… I needed to take my mind off of Louis and the one way to do it would be to shag a random right? At least for now… I couldn't be in a relationship. I couldn't lead anyone on like that. But a random… well she would just be a random.

She asked me to dance and I accepted the offer. I downed my third whiskey before she led me out to the dance floor. She wasn't wasting any time. I could smell the alcohol on her. She immediately started to grind against me, her ass showing beneath her ridiculously short mini skirt.

She pulled me over to the side of the bar and pressed her lips to mine. It was sloppy and wet and I hated every second. I tried to get into it. I tried to enjoy it but he was all I could fucking think about, even with 3 whiskey's inside of me. I just kept wondering what it would be like to kiss him. What it would be like to have his body pressed up against mine instead of this random sluts.

Most guys would dream of this. Having a drunk, practically naked, willing girl coming onto them for a one night stand… But this just wasn't me… I couldn't go through with this. Not only was it degrading for her, but it meant me losing any form of self-respect. I didn't want to hate myself, I didn't want to end up like Louis… seriously ill in a hospital bed.

I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted a boy for start. I wanted a relationship but most of all… no relationship would be good enough unless it was a relationship with Louis fucking Tomlinson.

I pushed the girl off me muttering some slurred apology before running out of the club.

My mind was clear enough to get me back to the hospital entrance. I waited outside for a while. I looked down at my watch… it was 3:30am.

I wondered slowly back up to the waiting room hoping they wouldn't smell the booze on me and thought I had just gone for a walk. I tried to walk as straight as possible. It wasn't too hard… I hadn't drunk too much.

Liam ran over to me when he saw me arrive. He ran over to me and pulled me into a bone crushing hug. Harry and Zayn weren't far behind and I was soon being crushed from every angle.

"Niall…?" Harry asked in a whisper, "Why do you smell like whiskey and perfume?"

"I went to a bar." I replied, "And had a drink." My words were slightly slurred but that couldn't be helped.

"Why, Nialler…?" Liam asked, "Why would you just run away like that?"

"Because I love him, Liam…!" I exclaimed laughing slightly at my own stupidity at shouting it out to the entire room, "I love him and he's dying."

"We all love him, Niall." Zayn comforted.

I paused for a while thinking about whether to declare my undying love. I opened my mouth to but just managed to stop myself. I let them hug me for a little while longer before they led me back over to the seats.

We waited until morning. There was no word from any doctor. The sun started to rise outside the window. I looked back down at my watch. It was 6:30am now. My head was now nearly clear from any remainders of alcohol. I still wasn't completely sober. I was sober enough to know what was going on, but drunk enough to be calm and able to contain myself from outbursts.

Finally a doctor came through and told us we could go through. He looked horrible. He was unconscious. He would be unconscious for a while. He was in an induced coma and they said he would have to stay like that for a while. The other three went to sit around the bed. Liam and Harry took one of his hands each but I stayed back in the corner. He wouldn't want to wake up with me by his side. He had three better friends waiting for him. No matter what conversation we had had earlier. No matter whether he started to nickname me again I would still annoy him and he would still not want me to be around. Most people like how happy I always was. Most people liked how I was always there to make someone smile when they were sad but not Louis. I just annoyed Louis. I tried not to let it get to me. I still had the love of Harry, Liam and Zayn and that was nearly as important. As long as I had them, I would be happy.

And I was happy. I let a small smile reappear on my lips. Those three boys were as much of my world as Louis was… I had forgotten how much I loved them while I wallowed in my sorrow of not having Louis… but who was to say I needed him. I had these three, and for now… I'm sure they were all I needed.

Louis started to thrash slightly in his sleep… surely this wasn't supposed to happen. He was in a coma… how could he be moving? Did they not prescribe him enough drugs? Was he waking up?

He started to mumble in his sleep. He sounded panicked. Scared… like he was lost… I stayed back in the corner while the other panicked over him slightly. Liam quickly pressed the call nurse button.

"Niall…" I heard him say. His voice was getting louder. My eyes widened. Why was he saying my name? "Niall!" This time it sounded more urgent. I slowly started to walk over. "NIALL!" This time it was at the top of his lungs. He was thrashing wildly. The other boys had to back away or they would have got hurt. Tears started to stream down my face as he shouted my name. It sounded like he was begging for me. That he needed me to find him.

I ran the few remaining steps and grasped his hand. He was still thrashing but his hand locked firmly around mine.

"It's ok…" I whispered, "I'm here." He seemed to calm down but I was suddenly ripped out of Louis' grasp. I was pulled backwards by doctors, "NO!" I shouted. He started to thrash more loudly and shout my name again, "NO! LET ME SEE HIM! DON'T TAKE ME AWAY!"

"NIALL!" I heard him shout again, "NI!" He used my nickname again and tears streamed heavily down my face.

Doctors were trying to pin him down and I was trying to fight out of the nurses grasps to get back over to him.

"LOUIS!" I shouted. I heard him call my name one more time before I was dragged completely out of the room and the door slammed and locked in front of me. I broke free of the nurses and started to bang on the door. I could still hear him shouting my name. I knocked and tried the handle over and over again. I could still hear the thrashing. Hear the urgency in his voice. The shouting stopped from inside as they injected more drugs into him arm to send him back into a coma, "Lou…" I whispered resting my head against the door. I carried on crying and Liam led me away from the room and back to sit down.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written by my other friend Nat... she wanted to be involved and sort of put a spanner in the works... :)

Liam's POV

The door shut and Louis's screams became muffled, but still audible. I kept my arms remained around Niall for just a while, even after he's stopped struggling. His eyes are wide, frozen on the door, his breath coming short and fast. His heart beats wildly against my hand.

"What…" Niall whispers, then pauses to wet his lips. "What does that mean?"

I stammer, and turn to look at the others. Harry's staring dumbfounded at Niall, blinking rapidly, and Zayn looks about ready to run, his eyes shifting nervously between the rest of us.

"Liam," Niall says quietly, turning away from the door to look at me as I release him. "Liam, what does that mean? Why was he shouting my name?"

"I… I don't know," I say, chancing a look at Harry. I wonder how he's taking this. It's not something I'd ever bring up or ask him about, but I know that something's going on between him and Louis, even if it's just physical.

"Oh, god," Harry says, his voice breaking, running his fingers into his hair and pulling in frustration. "Fucking hell, that poor bastard…"

The sounds of Louis's screams and his flailing limbs are starting to quieten, but it still sounds horrible. It's too difficult to listen to, and if I feel that way I can only imagine what Niall's feeling. I take him by the arm and pull him along the corridor.

"Liam?" He asks.

"We need to… I have something to say."

We walk for a little while, Niall constantly questioning me, but eventually I find an empty space at the end of a corridor and I drop his arm.

"It didn't mean anything," I say quickly, almost harshly, pointing my finger at him in a threatening sort of manner. I stop myself, breathe deeply and say it again, softer this time, "It didn't mean anything. He's… he's on a lot of drugs, he doesn't really know what he's doing – you saw the way he was… was thrashing around. He's not in control of himself right now."

Niall's face falls, and I can see hope draining from his face along with the colour in his cheeks.

"Niall, I-… I know it's hard to hear, but you have to understand that he… he didn't mean anything by it." He draws in a sharp take of breath, and then exhales with a shudder.

"He was probably just calling your name because you were the last person he spoke to. I don't think… I don't think you should read anything into this. I don't want to you get your hopes up and end up disappointed later… I'm just looking out for you, Nialler." My stomach churns with guilt at the look in his eyes. He seems so tired, so broken. I hate doing this. I hate lying to him. He nods, like he understands why I had to say all this, and I feel a little better. At least he doesn't hate me as much as I hate myself.

"Are you okay?" I ask my voice full of concern.

"Yeah," He nods again and gives a small, sad smile. "Yeah," he says again, with more conviction. "Yeah, no, it's… it's nothing. It's nothing new, is it? I shouldn't really be surprised." When he sighs he seems so sad, it pains me to watch him like this.

"If you need anyone to talk to," I say, lightly placing my hand on his shoulder. "I'm here for you. It can't be easy, I feel bad for you… having to see someone you care about so much be in a position like this. I don't know how I'd cope if someone I cared about that much ended up in hospital." He pats my arm gently and smiles, the familiar sparkle slowly returning to his eyes. "Danielle's a good girl; you've got nothing to worry about."

"Yeah," I say, laughing gently as Niall turns away from me and heads back along the corridor. For a few seconds I watch him walk, watch the way he moves, all the time knowing that it wasn't Danielle I was thinking about getting hurt. It was Niall. There's a gnawing ache at the bottom of my stomach, and part of me is so mad at myself. I have a girlfriend, a girlfriend who makes me happy, and we're good together. So why the hell am I getting myself mixed up in this? Too many people stand to get hurt here, and I know I'm not helping, but I can barely admit the truth to myself, let alone anyone else.

"Are you gonna tell me what the hell you were thinking?" Harry corners me later, when Niall and Zayn have gone home to sleep.

"What?"

"Niall told us what you said," he replies angrily, spitting slightly. "That wasn't true and you damn well know it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I lie, a hot flush creeping up my neck. My stomach flips and my palms begin to sweat. So far I'd been doing well in not thinking about it. When I didn't think about it, I didn't feel too guilty.

"Give over, Liam. We both know exactly what's going on here."

I'm too stunned to speak. Does he know about my… feelings?

"Louis wasn't calling Niall because he didn't know what he was saying; he was calling Niall because he loves him. It would be easy to miss, the way they can barely talk to each other outside of interviews, but no. I've noticed the looks and the comments and I know damn well you have too. They like each other, and it's about time the two of them hooked up."

"I thought… so you don't like Louis, then?" I can barely get my words out. It's all happening so fast.

"Of course I do," Harry says, his voice lowering a notch, the steam and anger leaving him. "And I know you like Niall."

My breath hitches. How the hell did he know that?

"But the problem is Louis doesn't like me and Niall doesn't like you."

He says it a little harshly, but I don't know why it hurts so much to hear when I've it known all along.

"But Niall and Louis… they could be together. It's mutual between them. And if two of us can be happy - if two of us can be with the person we want to be with - then you and I shouldn't get in their way."

I know it's true but it sounds so crazy. "How can you be okay with that? How can you just let him be with someone else?"

Harry pauses to think, his eyes lower and he smiles. I think he's thinking about Louis, but then he looks back to me and the expression is gone. "Because I really care about him, and if he's happy, then I'm happy. It doesn't matter if I'm not the one that makes him grin like an idiot, as long he has someone that makes him feel that way, it's alright. And if you really cared about Niall, you'd feel the same way."

And then Harry goes, leaving me alone in the waiting room. It's dark outside, but the faintest hints of sunlight are starting to show. I sit there for a long time, thinking about what Harry said, wondering how he could love someone so purely. I imagine Niall and Louis together, curled around each other, smiling uncontrollably, and my heart aches. I don't want Niall to be with Louis. I want him to be with me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to normal now, I wrote this :)

Louis POV

I had no sense of time, I was alone in the darkness and I had resigned myself to that fact. The silence was deafening; my limbs heavy. Suddenly, I couldn't breath… there was something jammed in my throat, my eyes flashed open. There was a woman standing by my bed, her mouth was moving and I tried to listen.

"Don't panic, I need you to breathe in through your nose and when I say… cough. Can you do that, Mr Tomlinson? Blink if you understand." Her voice was soothing and I blinked hard. "Ok, ready?" I blinked again. "Alright then, cough!" I complied, coughing violently and the obstruction was removed, air whooshed down my wind pipe and I welcomed the cool, sterile air.

"What happened?" my voice was croaky from disuse; I was confused I was alone in the darkness and now I'm here in this bright white room.

"You're in the hospital, Mr Tomlinson. My name is Nurse Nolan and you gave us quite the scare. We placed you in a medically induced coma so that your body would have time to heal. Your head wound is progressing but we ask that you do not over exert yourself too quickly; you have also had a number of blood transfusions. We hope you will make a full recovery with the help of plenty of rest and recuperation." Her pager bleeped. "Awfully sorry, Mr Tomlinson but I'm needed in surgery I will inform Doctor Scott and your friends that you have awoken."

"Thank you." I replied. I felt strange, sort of floaty. My head felt muggy and my body heavy. I shifted slightly and I felt a slight tugging in my hand. I looked down and instantly looked away again. I did always hate needles. I gulped as bile formed in my throat. I will not throw up… I will not throw- Luckily Doctor Scott, I assume, walked in and seeing my condition shoved a cardboard tray at me. Eew, gross.

"This is normal with head wounds, Louis. I'm Doctor Scott, it came to my attention that you were awake and I came to check if you were ready for visitors. I'm going to run some tests if that's alright with you, Louis?"

"Yes." I answered. "But first, please may I have a drink? My throat hurts and my mouth tastes vile…" she smiled apologetically and poured me some water from the jug on the cabinet. She handed me the glass and I propped myself up on the pillows. I was proud that my hand only shook a little.

"Small sips, Louis." Doctor Scott advised. I slowed down my gulping to gently sipping the water. I placed the glass on the bedside table next to me. The sooner these tests were out of the way, the sooner I can make sure Niall's ok…

"Ok, let's do this…" I said.

She took a pocket torch out from her doctor's coat. Sitting in front of me she shined the light in one eye and placing her hand over the other. She repeated with the opposite eye.

"Good." She jotted a note on my chart. "Right, I'm going to need you to remove the blanket for the next one." I looked up startled. I was wearing a fucking hospital gown and I was practically naked and there was only one person I wanted to see me naked. Seeing my startled expression she laughed. "Don't worry, Louis. I just need access to your feat and legs." I sighed in relief while Dr Scott chuckled. Removing the blanket and pressing my thighs together, self consciously pulling my gown further down. It was futile and it stopped around mid thigh.

I gasped as there was a pressure on the heel of my foot which gently moved towards my toes. I giggled.

"Ticklish?" I nodded still giggling. Her hand moves up to the top of his foot and up to his knee. "Feel all of that?"

"Yeah, felt it."

"Any tenderness?" I shook my head.

"All feels fine, Doc." She rolled her eyes that.

"You can cover yourself up now, next I'm going feel your abdomen, then your head and neck. Lastly I am going to remove the bandages to examine your arms." I froze, terrified to see the mess I had made on myself this time. "Nothing to worry about, Louis. I assure you. All I need to do is check they are healing properly and change the dressing. Ok? The sooner I can get this done the sooner you can see your friends… Alright?" I took a deep breath before answering.

"Alright." Dr Scott placed her hands gently on my abdomen, pressing lightly every now and again. "All fine, I just want to listen to your lungs before I do anything else." I nodded and she pulled the stethoscope from her neck to be in her ears. She placed the metal to my ribs on one side and then the other; then repeating on my back. "Very, very good. Ok… Now your head. I'm going to warn you, Louis. This is probably going to hurt. A lot." I gulped.

"Ok." She walked behind me and lowered the bed, leaving me free to sit without support. Her fingers prodded the back of my skull, gingerly. I winced.

"Sorry." Her gentle prodding continued. She wrote a few more notes on my chart nodding to herself. "Now the difficult part. Louis, I need you to stay calm. I need to un-bandage your arms and change the dressing… I want you with your left hand to hold on to the metal rail while I sort out your right and then swap, ok?" when I didn't answer she asked louder. "Ok?" I nodded and she propped my bed back up.

I leant back on my pillows and gripped tightly to the railing, my knuckles turning white. She gently picked up my arm and started to unwrap my arm. I closed my eyes trying to stay calm. She worked in silence and I only winced a little as she administered anti-bacterial cream to the scars. She re-bandaged my arms and repeated with the other arm. By this time my head had started to pound slightly.

"Well done, Louis." I nodded weakly. "I'm going to give you some morphine to help with the pain and then I assume you wish for me to fetch your friends?" I nodded enthusiastically, I would see Niall soon and make sure he really is ok. "Remember though, Louis, no over exerting yourself. We need you to heal." With that she rose from the bed and injected liquid into my IV drip. "They'll be in shortly."

"Thank you, Doctor Scott." I called after her. My headache started to subside, goodness these drugs work fast if you ever get hurt again make sure it's serious the minor injury stuff sucks compared to this!

There was a commotion at the door as I saw Liam and Zayn trying to run in but was stopped by a male nurse. They calmed down when they saw my face, I smiled and waved at them. As soon as the Nurse moved from the door to check my chart and drip, Liam, Zayn and Harry all tumbled into the room.

"Lou! You're awake." Harry exclaimed. Throwing himself at me.

"Oof!" I gasped as he landed on my chest. "Hey, Hazza." I patted him on the head.

"Don't you ever do that again! Don't scare us like that…" he got up and Liam was gentler with me hugging me tenderly. Zayn was odd he hugged me like I was made of glass, I'm not sure of what I felt towards that.

"Where's Niall?" I asked suddenly. They all looked at each other without answering. "WHERE'S NIALL?" I yelled, fear trickling down my spine.

"Um… Lou, we don't know. He" I cut Harry off.

"You don't know?" I said incredulously. They shook their heads. Fuck! Maybe my head wasn't completely wrong after all. Niall could be in danger. I started to get up.

"Lou, what are you doing?" Zayn asked.

"Finding Niall." I answered determinedly.

"No! You are staying in bed!" Liam said firmly.

"Oh fuck off, Daddy Direction! Niall is possibly in danger… I am NOT going to lie here and rest while the boy I lo- like might die!" I growled, and tore the IV from my hand and ripped the electrodes off my chest; making the heart monitor flat line. I tore the oxygen tube from under my nose and swung my legs off the bed. I managed to stand before someone stopped me. One of the boys and I'm pretty sure I hit them. I felt a small prick on my bicep.

Oh no! Not again!

"Find Niall." I managed to say before the world again fell into blackness.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HB wrote this :)

Niall's POV.

I didn't want to stay anymore. He didn't care… Liam was right he had no idea what he was saying. He would never care about me. I was the last person he saw… that was it…

I made an excuse to the guys and walked out of the hospital. As soon as I was out of looking distance I broke out into a run. I didn't know where I was going. I just had to get away.

I ended up in a park. I had never been to this part of London. I probably shouldn't be here alone either. I didn't know how long I had been running.

I shut off my phone after seeing 7 missed calls with 4 voicemails. I didn't want hear their voices. They would only tell me to come back.

I made my way over to the swings and sat down swinging gently. Thoughts were running through my head like crazy. I don't care if Liam was right; it still stung like a bitch. He could love me if he tried. I know he could. I just needed Eleanor out of the picture. Surely he can't love her; otherwise he wouldn't be depressed and tried to have killed himself.

I swung gently back and forth trying to push all thoughts out of my mind. The park was still empty now… too early for kids to come playing. I was glad it was empty. I didn't need shouting children interrupting my thoughts.

I don't know how long I sat there arguing with myself. Should I tell him how I feel and wait imminent rejection? Surely he had a right to know how I truly felt. I couldn't stand the thought of him hating me anymore. But would it make him hate me even more? It would freak you out if your well… band mate? I couldn't exactly call us friends, told you that they were in love with you. But what if Liam was wrong? What if he was shouting my name because he cared about me? Because he wanted me there…? Because he loved me…?

I highly doubt it, but it could be a possibility…

NO! I couldn't think like that. I couldn't get my hopes up just to have them dashed. He could never feel the same. He doesn't even like me let alone love me. I ran out of the park and found the nearest taxi I could, giving them my home address.

Before long I was in familiar territory and then in the complex we all lived in. I climbed out of the taxi handing the driver a bundle of notes before running up to my flat. I grabbed a bag and started to chuck random things in. I had to get away from him. I would wait for him to wake up and be ok before going over to Ireland. That would be the best of ideas. Make sure he's ok before I left. I couldn't stay around him any longer. I had already nearly broken once, crying in front of him… holding him… I couldn't do it again. I can't be hurt like that. One Direction obviously aren't going to be doing much now Louis is in hospital, it's the perfect excuse to go home and be with my mum, dad and brother.

"What are you doing!" I heard Liam from the doorway.

"I'm going home." I replied bluntly, "I'll wait to see if he's ok and then I'll leave. I can't take this anymore Li! I can't! If I'm around him any longer when he's like this, I'll snap. I know I will. I can't tell him how I feel that'll just make me feel even worse due to my imminent rejection, but if I leave and have some time to sort over my feelings then everything will be fine and I won't fuck up the band."

Tears were pricking my eyes now. I ran my fingers through my already messy hair trying to sort out my thoughts.

Liam sighed and walked over to me wrapped me up in his arms.

"Everything's going to be ok, Niall… You can't just leave him. I know it's hard for you. I know what it's like to love someone you can't have. But maybe, for you, you have a chance."

"But you said…" I cut in.

"Forget what I said. He was the one that told us to find you. We were just gunna let you cool down in your own time. Glad I did look for you now." He continued, "You need to be there for Louis. We all do. You can't just leave him. You can't leave us. We need you around, Nialler." He pulled my head around to look up at him. I stared into his large brown eyes tears slowly escaping mine, "Promise me you'll stay…"

I nodded gently, "I promise." He carried on holding me tightly his forehead rested on mine as he continued to look into my eyes.

"We should go back to the hospital…" He muttered. I could feel his warm breath on my lips as he spoke.

I nodded gently again. "Yeah…" I breathed.

He suddenly blinked a few times, shaking his head and stepping away from me. He ran his fingers through his hair sighing heavily.

"Come on then." He smiled and walked out of the room. I followed him and he guided us to the car. We both climbed into the back seat and the driver pulled away.

We rode in silence. I was too deep in thought to think. He was asking for me? He demanded them to look for me when I ran off? Why did he want me there? He had never wanted me around before, that's for sure. So why now…?

We were driven around to the back of the hospital and made our way in through that way. I was led to Louis' room. He lay there unconscious. Harry held his hand tightly and Zayn, sitting on the other side, was reading Louis' favourite magazine aloud to him.

I smiled slightly at the sight. It was nice to know everyone cared. I sat back in the chair in the corner. Harry and Zayn both smiled happily at me as they saw my return.

"Where did you go?" Harry asked.

"I went to a park…" I replied, "I'd never been there before, it's just where I ended up. I just needed to be alone. It's just really hard to see him like this."

"I know it is mate…" He replied, "I'm just glad you're ok." He smiled brightly, but I could still see the sadness in his eyes. He turned back to his unconscious friend.

There was a shuffle in the bed indicating movement. Harry nearly jumped out of his seat and Zayn chucked the magazine to the side. Liam ran over to see what was happening, clenching the bars of the bed tightly.

"Louis…?" Harry asked tentatively.

"Did you find him?" I heard a dry, quiet voice.

"Yeah…" Zayn smiled, "We found him. He's sitting in the corner."

I heard a sigh of relief. I couldn't see the bed anymore. Liam was in the way.

"Ni…?" He asked.

"I think we should give them some privacy." Harry said getting out of his chair and letting go of Louis' hand, "We'll go get the nurse."

The three filed out of the room. I could feel tears start to prick my eyes again as my eyes met his. He tried to sit up in the bed but his limbs failed him. I stayed where I was. Curled up in a ball on the chair…

"Can you… please come here…?" He forced out.

I got out of my chair and sat down where Harry was.

"Here." I said, placing the glass of water on his bedside table at his lips. He took a few gentle sips before I took it away.

He looked worse than when I was here the first time. Probably having been drugged again… Being constantly knocked out was probably doing him no good. He looked up at me sadly; tears were running down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Ni…" He choked.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." I replied plainly.

"There is…" He replied, "I hurt everyone and worst of all I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Ni…"

My heart was now pounding. I rose from the chair and gently moved him to the side of the bed. Trying to avoid all of the tubes that were attached to him, I lay down beside him and pulled him closer to me. My arms wrapped around his shoulders as he rested his head on my chest. He could probably feel my heart racing.

"You don't have to worry about hurting me, Lou." I sighed, "I could never stay angry at you even if you did hurt me."

"Why did you run away?" He asked through sobs.

"Because I was scared… I'm scared for you. I don't want you to be hurting. I don't want you to feel like you have to cut yourself. I want you to feel loved and cared for. I want you to feel like you're the best person in the world and that nothing could ever hurt you because that's what you deserve." I couldn't stop the words from pouring out of my mouth, any second now I would probably crack and I couldn't afford to do that, "I couldn't bear a life without you in it. I know that I'm not your favourite person in the world. And I know that I don't mean a lot to you, I know I can be annoying and frustrating for you and I know that I am not an easy person to deal with. Also, it's not hard to guess that, apart from in interviews; you try to avoid me as much as possible. But I love you, Louis-"

The door reopened and the nurse reappeared cutting me off. I untangled myself from him and sat back down in my chair. He was staring at me intently looking hurt. Tears were streaming down both of our faces. The last thing I saw was a confused looking face and the mouthing of the word "What?" Before my view of him was restricted again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this one

Louis POV

I couldn't believe Niall actually cared, all this time I thought he was ignoring me! I wasn't purposefully ignoring him… I was bored on the hospital with nothing to do. The nurse kept on telling me 5 more minutes but that was at least half an hour ago, how many fucking tests do they need to do?!

"There we go, love. That was the last, I'll go let your friends in but they can't stay long. You need your sleep."

"I've been asleep for ages!" I wined. The nurse laughed.

"That may be but you do need to rest…"

"But I don't wanna…" The nurse laughed again, and opened the door, all of the boys minus Niall fell in making it obvious that they were eavesdropping.

"Well, I'll leave you boys to it; ring the bell if you need anything." The nurse finally left and I was attacked with hugs.

"Don't ever do that to me again, you shit!" Harry said hugging me close, his head burying into my shoulder.

"Sorry…" I mumbled, I could feel Harry crying gently. "hey, Hazza don't cry, I'm ok."

"YOU'RE NOT OK! What the FUCK Lou?! You have no idea how much of a mess we all were, especially Niall. You didn't see his face when you died… TWICE! Why didn't you fucking talk to me when things got so bad? I thought I was your best friend, you can tell me you're gay and fancy Niall but not when you are purposefully hurting yourself!" Harry shouted, suddenly angry at me. I could see Liam placing his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Haz…" he said quietly. "This isn't helping, cool it, dude." Harry took a deep calming breath and stepped away from me.

"Wait…" Zayn said from the corner. "Let me get this straight, you fancy Niall?! Really?! If anyone I would've guessed you and Harry…" Harry laughed, forcibly.

"I wish…" he scoffed.

"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't plan to be here to face you all, I didn't want to hurt anymore… and I didn't want Niall to hate me, where is he by the way?" I said looking at all of the boys faces, Zayn was still trying to process the new information, Liam had his daddy direction face on and Harry was wiping away his tears.

"He went to shower, he fucking stank and we didn't you to die of the stench…" Harry laughed trying to lighten the mood. I laughed and punched him in the balls.

"Below the belt, man… below the belt." I said, laughing. "Insensitive, arsehole!"

"Hey! I didn't smell that bad!" Niall walked in with a grin on his face, my own face lit up with his arrival.

"NIALLER!" I yelled, embarrassed at my excitement.

"Dude, you reeked of whiskey and the shittiest perfume in the world…" Liam said, exasperatedly. My mouth dropped.

"But… But your… gay?" I managed to choke out in my surprise. Niall shrugged and laughed at the incredulous look on my face.

"In my defence I was off my face drunk." He giggled again. "So how you feeling, buddy?" I heard the others quietly leaving the room, I noticed Harry pushing a reluctant Liam out the door.

"I guess I've been better." I answered, honestly I felt like I had been hit by a bus but Niall didn't need to know that. I hadn't noticed the black guitar case when he placed it on one of the plastic chairs.

"Budge up then, Lou." He said and I shuffled over to leave room for him to slip in next to me, wary of the wires attached. When he was settled he threw an arm across my shoulders; hugging me close to him. He had grown a good couple of inches and was now significantly taller than me, meaning my head slotted in to the conjunction of his neck. I sighed happily when he placed a soft kiss to the top of my head, warm and contented I fell asleep across Niall's chest.

I awoke a few hours later, Niall was asleep, his mouth open adorably and cute little snores vibrating through his chest. I examined his face, which was impossibly more gorgeous when he was asleep. Totally relaxed, blonde hair going brown at the roots and his eyes flickering behind the slightly violet lids. Suddenly Niall's breathing changed and his eyes fluttering.

"Urgh… Lou… what time is it?" he asked, his voice husky from sleep; his Irish accent seemingly even more pronounced. I looked up to the clock hanging on the wall.

"Around 3pm." I answered; we had almost slept for four hours. Niall started, gently removing me from his chest.

"Shit! I didn't mean to sleep this entire time, I'm sorry, You know I wasn't here with the others, right?" I nodded. "Well I sorta finished a song while I was at home and well I wrote it for you, to remind you I'm always here…" he looked slightly bashful.

"A song… for me?" I was shocked, Niall had written a song for ME! "Can I hear it?" he looked at the floor his cheeks flushed and biting his lip.

"Well, if you want to…" he answered. I just nodded enthusiastically; he cleared his throat nervously and got out his beautiful guitar, his fingers wrapping around the fret board delicately. "Ok, bear in mind that I've only just finished it and it'll need some adjustments…" he chuckled before he began to play. The intro was good and then Niall began to sing, I loved his voice…

I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere only we know  
Somewhere only we know

I was speechless, the song was amazing; I couldn't quite believe that it was for me. Niall genuinely seemed to believe what he was singing and I wasn't surprised when the tears spilled over, running down my cheeks, hot tears sliding down my cheeks.

"Oh, Lou…" Niall said, putting down his guitar and gathering me into his arms. I sniffled pathetically.

"You really do care…" I sniffed again.

"I really, really, really do care, Lou. Always." He whispered.

"Sorry to interrupt but we have an interview in 20 minutes." We broke apart at Liam's entrance, he looked slightly uncomfortable with the situation. Niall laughed.

"Thanks, Li. I'll be out in just a sec. Take my guitar would you?" Liam nodded and left us so we were alone again.

"You should probably go…" I said, looking down at my blankets.

"Yeah…" he answered before hugging me close; leaving a lingering kiss to my forehead. "See you later, Lou."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HB wrote this one again.. :D

Niall's POV

Ok… So I probably shouldn't have played my song to Louis and he probably knew how I felt now but that shouldn't matter right? Maybe he does feel the same way… Maybe he wanted to hear that I love him… It's about time he knew that's for sure. I've spent enough of my life wallowing over him.

We all walked down to the interview, Liam's arm was wrapped around my shoulder, comfortingly, as we made our way out to the press. We didn't want to leave Louis, we only agreed to this stupid interview if they agreed to do it in the hospital.

I didn't talk much during the interview. I didn't really have anything to say on the matter. We tried to go into as little detail as possible as we didn't want people knowing about Lou's obviously frequent self-harm.

"So, Niall… How are you feeling about Louis' hospitalization?" I paused trying to think of a reasonable response,

"Obviously I'm heartbroken, I love Louis…" My mouth decided to speak before my brain, "I mean… we all do, we just aren't One Direction without him so we've just got to all sit here and hope that he pulls through. For the fans sake I hope he does, he is one of the most loved members of 1D For a reason." I tried to recover but she obviously didn't buy it.

"Well that's very touching…" The interviewer replied, "You seem very passionate about this… are you sure there's nothing going on behind closed doors that we don't know about?"

"I'm sure…" I replied, "He's just one of my best friends, I would hate to see anything happen to him…"

"Ok… then, and, Harry, how are you feeling right now? We all know you and Louis are very close…" And with that I zoned out again. I didn't need to here anymore about Larry Stylinson, world's most famous gay couple.

We were finally allowed to leave after about two hours; after a few pictures had been taken we made our way back up to Louis room.

"You ok, mate?" Liam asked on the way up.

"Yeah I'm fine…" I replied forcing a smile, "I just want Louis out of hospital…"  
I walked excitedly into Louis' room.

"MISS me…?" My voice dropped in excitement as sitting at the side of his bed was none other than Eleanor. World's apparently most perfect girlfriend… The reason Louis would never be mine. "Hey, El…" I said trying to sound happy. I looked down at the interlocked fingers and my heart could have stopped.

"Hey, Niall…" She replied smiling sweetly "Don't worry I was just about to go…" She rose from her seat and leant to place a kiss on Louis' forehead. "I hope you get better soon…" She gave us all a small smile before walking out.

"Of course I missed you!" Louis smiled widely "I always miss you."

"Eleanor left pretty quickly…" I mentioned awkwardly as the other 3 boys found comfortable seats in the room.

"Yeah… that's over…" He replied sadly.

"What?" I asked, "How can that be over? You've been together for ages."

"Because… just because. It's hard to explain. She understands why we had to break up and so do I… It was her decision, but honestly it's my reason for breaking up so… no one got hurt, in fact I think we're both happier this way. Now am I getting a hug or what?" He outstretched his scarred arms and I walked over, sitting down slowly on the bed to not   
mess with the tubes. I closed his arms and wrapped mine around him instead letting him lean on me. "So how was the interview?" Louis asked.

"Boring…" Zayn replied, "All they wanted to talk about was Larry Stylinson, and a bit of Nouis actually." Zayn chuckled slightly.

"Nouis, huh…?" Louis asked.

"Yeah… Niall just confessed his love for you on national TV." Harry laughed.

"No I didn't!" I argued blushing profusely. Thankfully Louis was below me so he couldn't see, "I just said that we all loved you and we wanted you to get out of here as soon as possible." I explained holding him tighter so he couldn't look up at me.

"Well I can't wait to get out of here… It's boring and all they want me to do is sleep!" Louis complained, "But at least my ass looks good in this gown."

"Only because it's open at the back…" Liam laughed.

"You're just jealous because none of you could pull it off!" Louis shouted smugly. "Apart from you Niall of course…" He flirted. Why did he have to flirt? It made not liking him so much harder.

"I know I can pull it off." I replied cockily, "I can pull of anything. I'm G-CWOK approved."

"What the hell is a G-CWOK?" Zayn asked.

"Gay-Couple Without kids…" Niall replied.

There was a knock on the door before the nurse came back in.

"Hey, boys, how you feeling?" She asked politely. We all gave a quick 'good' response, "Well, I've been sent in with good news and bad news. Louis you will be able to leave within the next couple of days. Bad news is that well… you will have to be tracked at all times. We will not be able to let you be alone and we will be expecting you to come into hospital here and back home when you return for check-ups. You will have to share a hotel room with someone; that someone whoever you choose will have to be very careful, which means removing all sharp objects from bathrooms whenever he's in there. Not leaving him alone when he eats as he will be using sharp cutlery and not leaving him alone at night."

"Thank you!" Louis exclaimed, "Thank you so much."

"That's ok, Lou… I hope I won't be seeing you in here again…" She smiled, "It's been nice meeting you." And with that she left.

"So, who gets the pleasure of looking after our Boobear?" Zayn asked.

"Niall! Why don't you do it?" Harry volunteered me.

"Yeah, Niall… That would be a great idea." Liam agreed, "I know we were meant to share a room but Harry and I can share." He offered.

"I don't know…" I replied, "Surely Harry is the better candidate for that, he knows Lou better…"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Harry argued, "You and Lou haven't spent much time together recently and well, this is your opportune moment."

"Yeah… but this is too opportune. This has gone from not having much time together to living in each other's pockets!"

Ok… so I was nervous. First of all, my straight friend would have to be spending nights probably in the same bed as his gay friend. The morning wood no doubt would freak him out. And if I had to sit there and watch him change every time he needed to change then I don't think I could actually control myself.

"Come on…" Louis mumbled, "I'm not that bad…"

"I know you're not bad but… wouldn't you prefer Harry looking after you I mean… You're best friends, you do everything together anyway."

"Niall… just do it." Liam said strictly.

"Ok…" I agreed automatically. I always agreed with that fucking tone. It always made me seem like I was in trouble, "Ok… I'll look after Boobear." I pulled him tightly to me and he held me back.

A few days later I was helping Louis walk over the threshold into our hotel room. Paul had moved all our stuff into separate rooms. He didn't need to be in the old one where the self-harming had occurred. I helped him lay down on the bed.

"I'm going for a whizz… I'll be right back; don't do anything stupid while I'm gone." I pissed in record time. I just wanted to be back out with him. I rinsed my hand and walked out to see Louis hadn't moved. "Fancy a film?" I asked.

"Sure…" He replied solemnly.

"Ok…" I raided through my bag and eventually found the hunger games. It was 10 o' clock at night so we would probably fall asleep to it anyway so it didn't matter we had both watched it. I walked over to the double bed he was lying on and lay down next to him.

"Niall…?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah…?" I replied.

"Why didn't you want to look after me?" He asked, "I thought you cared…"

"Louis I care about you more than anything in the world… so what if something happens to you when I'm supposed to be looking after you? You have literally put your life in my hands and if something goes wrong and we find you lying on a bathroom floor again that's on me. And I can't have that happening to the boy I…" I stopped, and he interlaced his fingers with mine "To the boy I really care about."

"You care about me more than anything?" He asked insecurely. I turned to look at him, looking straight into his perfect blue eyes. I already felt myself sinking. I couldn't last… I would never be able to last around him, not when he was always this close. I could feel his warm breath on my mouth and my eyes flickered down to his lips before flicking back up to his eyes.

"More than anything…" I replied quietly.

I could feel my head leaning in but I couldn't stop myself. I know I shouldn't do it… he broke up with Eleanor only a few days ago, not to mention the fact that I thought he was well… mostly straight apart from those few times with Harry… but exactly… He could have Harry! So why was I leaning in! Surely Harry would be a better choice. More attractive… more entertaining… more best friend like?

My eyes fluttered shut as I pressed my lips softly to his.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mine again :P

Louis POV

Niall's lips felt amazing; completely synchronized with mine. The kiss lasted for about 3 seconds before Niall froze.

"I'm sorry." He whispered before sprinting from the room and into the bathroom. I didn't understand what the fuck was going on… I was pissed off, I stormed towards the closed door and knocked repeatedly.

"Niall? For fucks sake, let me in…" I yelled "Did I do something wrong? Niall?" I turned as the hotel door opened. "Harry? Huh?"

"Hey, Lou. Come 'ere." He opened his arms; I walked over to him and throwing my arms around his neck. The bathroom door opened but Harry held me tightly. The door slammed closed, what had I done wrong?

"Haz what the fuck is going on?" he let go but didn't answer me.

"I don't know, Lou. Want a cuppa?" he asked.

"What do you mean you don't fucking know? Haz I know when you lie to me… why can't you just tell me?" I held the tears in, I didn't want to worry my best friend.  
"Look, Lou, Niall just asked me to come. So I did. Right I'll go make us some tea." He walked into the small kitchenette and I could hear him bustling around, clinking cups and whatnot. I didn't know what to do. I needed to get away to think but I knew there was no way Harry would let me leave, the only place I could think of was the bathroom, there was a lock and everything.

"Lou, what's going on?" I heard Harry ask.

"Nothing… just gonna have a shower." I answered. I locked the bathroom door and switched on the shower, without getting undressed I sat in the bath tub letting the water cascade on me. I can't believe I had been so stupid to think Niall actually cared about me. He kissed me though… then he ran away. Great the voice was back… it had gone away when Niall was here. He's not here though. I wish it would go away. No one loves you… your worthless. Why would someone like Niall ever want to be with you…? He probably wasn't thinking straight when he kissed you. He hated you before and now he's only pretending to care. "No." I whispered to myself, my tears now falling freely. Yes, he hates you, you're so stupid… he cared 'cos Harry told him to but no one cares enough. I knew it was true, Niall would never go for someone like me. Fucked up. Worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Fat.  
Niall's wash bag was next to the taps and I could see the shiny blade of a razor. No, Harry would kill me if I did it but the itch was back, almost unbearable. It was an itch only a blade could scratch. I reached towards the bag. Do it. My hand didn't falter and I grabbed the wash bag, I dug the razor out and broke the blade from his bag.  
Without thinking I tore my hoodie off and slashing my wrist, again and again and again. Suddenly there was a harsh knock on the door, I dropped the blade with a gasp the blood pouring from my wrists.

"Lou?" Harry yelled, pounding his fists over and over again. "Fuck, Lou you've been in their almost half an hour." I didn't answer him, I just stared at the crimson staining the white   
bath. The blade had landed next to me; I grabbed it and cut, cut to remind myself how worthless I am. "Lou? What have you done? LOU?" I could hear him becoming desperate, ramming his shoulder against it now. "Shit!" and all was quiet.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HB again

Niall's POV

Louis lips were well… they were probably the living embodiment of perfection. The way they felt again mine… I just never wanted to stop… but I had to. After a few seconds I managed to pry myself away.

"I… I'm sorry…" I mumbled terrified and ran out of the room and into the bathroom. I snapped open my phone and called Harry. "Harry… get up here now!" I instructed.

"Woah… Niall calm down, what's up?" He asked calmly.

"No time to explain, just get up here please!" And I hung up the phone before he could ask any more questions.  
Louis was banging on the door but I blocked it out. I didn't listen. I blocked it out as much as I could.  
I heard Harry walk into the room. At the opportune moment I ran out of the bathroom and through to the hallway. I quickly opened the door a few hotel rooms down and fell into Zayn's room. I ran through and curled up in the corner. Zayn and Liam were sitting on the sofa looking at me like I was insane.

"Niall…? Vas Happenin'?" Zayn asked warily.

I just shook my head. I wasn't talking. They tried to ask for a while but eventually gave up letting me sit in the foetal position slowly rocking back and forwards. Every now and again their eyes would flicker over to me to see what I was doing. I didn't meet their gaze as I knew it would mean more questions.  
The door suddenly rammed open and an angry looking Harry stood there in the doorway.

"NIALL…! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!?" He shouted. I rose from the ground. He stormed over to me and punched me hard in the face. "I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 5 MINUTES AND LOUIS HAS ALREADY CUT AGAIN! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!?"  
I was stunned… he cut himself because I kissed him? That can't be a promising sign for the start of a relationship. Was it really that bad? Did he hate me that much that he cut himself over the fact that I kissed him…? "WELL…!?" Harry shouted bringing me out of my stupor.

"I…" I started, "I kissed him…" I replied. The three of them all looked at me shocked. "How bad was it?" I asked, "The cutting?"

"Pretty bad, I put him to bed and waited for him to fall asleep. I bandaged him up but he might have to go back to the hospital." Harry explained, "Why would he cut himself over kissing you? I thought he liked you…"

"What?" I asked.

"Louis likes you… he's liked you for ages… why would he be upset about kissing you?"

"Wait… what?" I shouted.

"Louis. Is. In. Love. With. You." Zayn spelt out slowly.

"But… But…" I stuttered, "Fuck!" I exclaimed and ran out of the room. I pulled out my key and walked into mine and Louis room. I could feel the other's presence behind me. They wouldn't miss something this big… It was like Eastenders to them. "Louis…?" I asked at the quiet form lying on top of the covers. Louis head shot up. "Louis, do you like me?" I asked bluntly. He stood there wide eyed at me.

"Yeah…" He replied "Of course I like you."

"No… not like that. Like, do you like me as in more than a friend? Relationship like me?" I asked trying to explain while my head was trying not to explode. What if he said no.

"Yeah…" He repeated "Of course I like you."

"Then why did you cut when I kissed you?" I asked.

"Because you ran away…" He replied, "It's obvious it was a mistake because otherwise you wouldn't have ran away… I felt worthless. You could never like me back Niall… I'm just a great big fuckup while you're just… well you're just you… you're perfect."

I sighed and chuckled slightly. "You're an idiot Lou, you know that?" I laughed and sat down opposite him on the bed. He was looking down at his knees avoiding my eyes. I glared over at the other three.

"I'm hungry, who wants to go get a snack?" Liam asked grabbing Harry's hand to pull him to leave.

"I'm good…" Zayn replied smirking not tearing his eyes away from mine.

"Come on!" Liam replied and grabbed Zayn's hand pulling him out of the room. As soon as the door shut I turned my attention back to the sobbing boy in front.

"Louis… You are not worthless and you are not a fuckup, you are the most beautiful person I have ever had the fortune to meet. My life wasn't good before the X factor. I was bullied and ridiculed and I didn't exactly have many friends. But then… then I came on the show, and I met the four most amazing guys in the entire world. But there was this one guy right? He was loud and annoying and frustrating, but that was what made him, him. And even if he annoys us or frustrates us, we just let him do it, and let him have his fun and we laugh along because we all love him. He is beautiful, and perfect, and smart, and funny, and caring… The one who lives life to the fullest and never lets anyone get him down… I was crushed when I thought that guy didn't like me… that he ignored me because he hated me and didn't want me in his life, because I cared about that guy more than anyone in the world. It broke me every time he wouldn't talk to me. It broke me every time he came back from holiday and greet everyone else with the biggest hug in the world but he would just simply nod in my direction."

Tears were flooding down his face now. He still wouldn't look at me, but I could see them landing in his lap. "Why are you saying this Niall?" He asked.

"Because…" I shuffled up close to him so our knees were touching. "I kissed that same guy a little while ago… and I know it is that same guy sitting in front of me, no matter whether he is suffering from depression or not. And now I know that guy feels the same way. I plan to be kissing him a whole lot more, because honestly, it was the best fucking kiss I've ever had in my entire life." I lifted his chin up so make him look at me and I rested our foreheads together. "Don't ever think I wouldn't like you back, because right now I think I've made it very clear, that I like you a whole lot."

The corners of his mouth twitched up and his eyes finally met mine. "Really…?" He asked, "You're not just saying that to pity me?"

"I would never play with anyone's heart like that. I would rather be a boy and play with paper planes than be a man and play with a guy's heart." He finally smiled widely and I wiped away a few stray tears on his cheeks. I ran my fingers into his hair and pulled his lips to meet mine for the second time that day.

I could feel him smile against my lips and I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him on my lap. He wrapped his legs around my waist and held onto me tightly. I felt him wince slightly as his arms pressed into my back and I slowly pulled away. I pulled his arms from around me and started to unwrap the bandages that Harry had placed on there.  
There was a lot of new cuts. Some of them which had re-opened old ones…

"I'm sorry…" He whispered.

"You don't need to be sorry." I replied. I gently placed my lips to his wrist, "You're beautiful." I whispered, "Don't do it again."

"I'll try…" He replied, "For you…"

"And that's all I can ask for." I replied. He smiled across at me and I smiled back brightly, kissing him again.

I couldn't believe I could finally say it. I couldn't believe that Louis Tomlinson was finally mine.


End file.
